Am I an innocent adulterer? Um…

The title is a true example of an oxymoron, yes? Probably shocked you a bit, yes?

How can one be innocent yet be a cheater…a fake…a hurtful person who lies…an adulterer?

I am one. So I know, better than most, how a brokenness within a person can result in a brokenness in life and love. Shattered childhood dreams, witness to an abusive relationship between parents, loving someone so much you lose yourself…this is just the tip of the iceberg of an innocent adulterer.

It’s not something I was ever truly conscious of being. I became an extrovert to escape the atrocities of a childhood I barely speak about…to anyone. I have been cheated on and it hurts like hell, but then it forced me to look inward of why that person strayed and why I wasn’t enough.

What happens when you dig dig dig within, you realize that you are not perfect and you have desires and demons that you try and suppress and hide deep down.

The men in my family were emotionally unavailable…pair that with a narcissistic mother, what a combination! I had always wanted what was not mine to take.

Love.

Patience.

Kindness.

Acceptance.

I deserve all these things. We all do.

But taking them from someone else is not the answer.

Rationalizing is stage one.

Denial is stage two.

Falling within someone’s mind is stage three. This is the stage of losing yourself. Questioning life choices, daydreaming of different paths…the woulda shoulda coulda mentality.

We grieve differently.

Loss is loss.

Absence of love and trust is a devastating place to dwell.

It can be so easy to slip into self-loathing moments…

When we cross paths with someone that rocks our soul, inspires deep thinking and profound self realizations, it is like life handed us a map to find our truest version of ourselves.

Take all that is good from these times and do what is best and right and genuine. Finding our hurts and our sorrows within another can be truly spellbinding. Finding someone whose words fill the cracks within our fractured selves can be beyond what you can imagine.

The innocence of adultery begins with a door cracked open…a door to a room that has been dark and lonely.

A forgotten room way back in the corner of our ever busy, always world-pleasing mind. To open this door and let the light in is terrifying and irreversible.

And that, my amazing readers and followers, is how one becomes an innocent adulterer.